The Idiot's Guide on Being a Death Eater
by moshpitqueen
Summary: Take a look inside as the stepbystep process on being a Voldie follower is revealed.


**AN: Created out of boredom. :)**

**RANDOMNESS ahead. You have been warned.**

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_**The Idiot's Guide on Being a Death Eater**_

_Step One_

_PROCLAIM YOUR LOYALTY TO EVIL!_

NEVER back out on missions. His Royal Evilness does not like it, and there's a hundred percent chance he's gonna use the Killing Curse on your sorry little bum. Be sure you are truly demented, will not be influenced by anti-Voldie organizations (namely The Order of the Phoenix) later on, and will not scream like a sissy girl whenever you're in combat. And for Merlin's sake, stop hiding in your mum's skirt.

_Step Two_

_DRESS SMART, LOOK SMART_

His Lord Voldyness requires the traditional Death Eater dress code, specifically long robes (the more dark, the better), no rainbow colors, no T-shirts with 'I'm Death Eater and Proud' written on it, and no funky hats, please. Masks are also a necessity to hide your identity, and must be worn at all times. That includes you, Lucius.

_Step Three_

_KNOW THY ENEMIES_

Unless you are living under a rock, you should know that Lord Moldy-shorts' Enemy Number One is the wizard Albus Dumbledore and his posse, The Order of the Phoenix. In addition to that is The-Boy-Who-Lived, Harry Potter. Do not be fooled by his whiny shenanigans; his Patronus charm kicks butt. Well, dementors' butt.

_Step Four_

_THE DEATH EATERS' SUPER SECRET LAIR_

Unfortunately, the dormant volcano near Azkaban Prison is unavailable, and as Bellatrix pointed out, will not be a suitable hiding place because it is very well near dementors. By a unanimous vote, the DE lair would be Malfoy Manor, chosen for it's grandeur... and the cocktail bar Wormtail seems to fancy a lot. Also, never divulge the location of the headquartes (hence 'super secret lair') to anyone outside the Death Eaters' inner circle, or else you would be _Crucio_'d until you pee in your pants.

_Step Five_

_MAGIC IS MIGHT_

By the way, the title for this is copyrighted by the idiots in the Ministry of Magic. Moving on, aside from The Order, Dumbledore, and The-Boy-With-The-Stupid-Scar, Death Eaters must also develop a hate for Muggle-borns, or as we like to call them, MUDBLOODS. They are to be despised, laughed at, and if you wish, kill. Wizard superiority is one of Lord Moldy-shorts ideals, and must be practised at a regular basis.

_Step Six_

_NEVER QUESTION THE DARK LORD_

Even if he makes you tapdance naked with Dobby's tea cozy in front of the whole Death Eater bunch, do not argue. Obedience is a must, and questions will not be entertained.

_Step Seven_

_SECRECY_

Basically, it means keep your piehole shut when you're being interrogated by Order members.

_Step Eight_

_YOUR EQUIPMENT_

A wand is important, of course. You will be using it in battles, secret missions, and even to wash your hair, though Severus refuses to do that. Aside from wands, Invisibility Cloaks, Time-Turnes, Remembralls and Polyjuice Potion can be of use. Take note, Polyjuice Potion cannot be used on the Dark Lord, for he has no hair to be mixed with. Consider this a warning.

_Step Nine_

_YOUR BEHAVIOUR _

Again, do not questioned the Dark Lord, or call him ridiculous nicknames like The-Dude-Who-Let-The-Boy-Live or Supreme Pizza Pie Ruler. He will be pissed. Socialize with your fellow Death Eaters, but always maintained a mood of evil. And for the love of everything sacred, don't excess on the firewhisky. Drunkeness is not tolerated by His Evilness, and you will not go unpunished.

_Step Ten_

_ALWAYS BE PREPARED_

Yes, yes, we know it's already taken by some Muggle group called... uh... oh, who cares? Be ready to fight, don't sleep on the job, and be on special alert. You'll never know when some teenage boy might defeat the Dark Lord, so be ready to fight, and possibly die, for Lord Moldyshorts.

**Follow these ten easy steps, and you will be on your way to greatness! **

**AND ICE CREAM!**

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Told you it was weird.

Peacee, loves. :D


End file.
